The Granted Wish

and so the fairy came down for her.
she didn't even twitch when she saw the being.

despite the many years she was taught they were purely fictional.

she weakly battled it out in her brain.
several assumptions clouding in, into a huge murky thought.

maybe she's dreaming.
maybe the lights are playing tricks on her.
maybe the being isn't really floating.
maybe, maybe....

but the thought disappeared through another dark gap in her mind.
all she could remember now was how he said goodbye. and how he cried.
and how all that was still a question to her.

but her mindless questioning was cut when the fairy spoke.
she said she would grant her a wish. to ease her heart a little.

she looked up to find a face so affected by pain that wasn't hers.
she looked up to find a face that would never really understand it all.

a wish.

she uttered the first wish that came into her mind.

make me bleed every time he thinks of me...

the fairy looked sad but waved her wand nonetheless.
she twirled and was gone in a puff of smoke.

then, she was alone again.

but both her wrists started to bleed like they were cut by sharp blades. and the blood continued to flow from her to the white sheets on her bed.

suddenly her mind's clear.
suddenly she's happy again.
she grew weaker and the bleeding didn't stop.

she prayed it never will.

Mars

--- even the god of war lose sometimes....

He's getting older and wiser, not that he wasn't already very smart before. A lot of people already acknowledged that he is darn smarter than how he looks. He knows it quite well too.

Now, she isn't that smart - but she's a cool girl who carried on despite whatever crap he's been. He looked at her and realized that she is the one for him. He had cheated on her in countless ways, and yet, she's there, by his side.

3 years is a long time.

He approached her almost sure of what her answer would be.

It's only a matter of time.

We are almost there, he thought.

Since he is the type who thinks getting down on one knee is a romantic bull, he just went ahead and told her that he wants to get married.

He was pretty sure she'd agree, like it's just another daily conversation, but her eyes darted from him as if she thinks he's crazy.

And then, she went on an overdrive about how she's still young and still wants to try other things.

He almost can't believe what he's hearing.

Shit.

Cliche as it is, it felt like watching his own tele-novela, in slow motion.

He's been so full of himself, so sure she was that into him... That she's just waiting for him.

Apparently, she's just waiting for him to give her a reason to break up with him.

Or is he just confused?

Shit.

The tele-novela stirred back to normal motion, and he watched her, just,

walk out....

Niece

for akhsuram, the niece who taught me one of the most beautiful forms of love...
---

She cringed. She can’t believe what she just heard. It was so pathetic that she was almost to tears, after hearing the child’s comment. It was the most touching compliment she had heard in all her life.

Yeah, it’s true. She told us yesterday. She said you were so nice she wished you were her mother…

There was an upsurge of love and pride that washed over her despite the fact that she knew at her age, she can’t be a very good mother. In fact, to her standards, she wasn’t even a very good aunt to the child.

A few months before today, this child came into her life unexpectedly. The mom who is her sister, escaped from a very brutal husband and decided to go back home.
That time, her niece spoke a different language and asked for whatever she wanted like she’s queen. Her mom was usually away, partying like there’s no tomorrow, so she had to deal with her most of the time.

Being the youngest in the family, she never got used to tending after other younger siblings, especially a brat. She had a very difficult time with her because she ruined her books and projects, her most priced possessions. Every time she tried to vent her frustrations on the little brat, she gets a shouting match with her sister, which ends up with her crying because her sister would say she’s just a child and act as if the projects she spent weeks working on didn’t matter.

As a result, she hated her niece and avoided her every time she can. If she can’t avoid her, she was never nice.

Her own mom scolded her for being that way to her niece but she didn’t care.

Until one night, her niece had to stay in her room because her sister is out partying. She hated her own sister for being out partying and making her look after the brat. As far as she’s concerned, if it’s your child, it’s your responsibility.

But she had no choice.

She made it a point not to talk to her until she fell asleep, while she watched her do her assignments. When she slept that night, she made sure she slept distant from her niece.

She was surprised then that around midnight, she was awakened because her niece was cuddled beside her, eyes closed, but obviously awake. She pushed her away irritated and told her to stay away. Her niece would then move a few inches and pretend to sleep until she lay back and attempt to return to her slumber. A few minutes later, she’s right beside her.

This happened in a cycle a couple of times. She would come near her, she would shoo her away, then she’d come back.

After the third time that she shooed her away, she somehow saw fear in the little child’s eyes. Despite that, the child moved silently away from her and closed her eyes once more. As she faced the other side of the bed, she recalled the time she was her age and experienced nightmares at midnight. She recalled how fear would overcome her and that she would get up and knock at her mom’s door, and ask her if she can sleep there for the night. Her mom would then take her in whole-heartedly, put her arms around her, and she would feel very safe, even from ghosts. Then she’d have one of the best sleeps of her life.

Thinking about this caused her pain. She imagined her niece alone in the night, scared and without a mom, and stuck with a rude aunt. She imagined how she was so scared the way she was before, that’s why she kept coming back even after she shooed her rudely several times. Tears fell from her eyes, as she suddenly succumbed to this realization. She has become a very bad aunt to a lonely child.

She turned and looked at the spot where her niece was. She could tell from her eyes that she wasn’t really asleep at all. She thought she might be waiting for her to be totally asleep again, so that she can crawl back and cuddle beside her, seeking that comfort her mom failed to give. Her heart went out to her. She moved beside her and placed her arms around her. Her niece moved closer, placing her head closer to her shoulders.

She watched as her niece slowly floated back to sleep. Her face was now more relaxed and so was her breathing. All the signs show that she was now really sleeping.
She watched her face while she herself wept, silently, so as not to disturb her peace. She wept realizing that her niece has changed and was not a brat anymore but she continued to be rude to her. She wept realizing she has not been a very good aunt.

From then on, she had always been nice to her niece. She spent time with her and shared with her things she thought she would enjoy. She even played with her when she asks, even if she had very important projects to finish.

She did this not to repent for her sins, but because she had learned to love her.
She cringed and was almost brought to tears again at what the child said because she didn’t realize, just how much, she loved her back.

Rain Series II - Akira

It's already 3 am of Sunday. It would have been dark if not for the light coming from the lamp post standing about 3 feet away. They have just arrived and stayed by the gate, even if it’s raining. She obviously didn't want him to go, and he obviously didn't want to leave.

They just had their first date, after knowing each other for the last 15 years. It was the most disastrous date.

They went to an open restaurant where a band is playing, and it took forever to call the attention of the waiter to ask for their bill. It rained so it’s wet everywhere. The band played music they didn’t like. They transferred to another restaurant, still an open one, but with cute cozy umbrellas per table. These umbrellas didn’t protect them against rain though. Conversation was impossible because the sound system was way too loud.

It was an awful, awful date.

But then, she found herself sitting there beside him, satisfied and unconcerned, under the umbrella that was like nothing against the pouring cold rain. She liked the feeling of being close to him, and talking to his ear, because that’s the only way he would hear her. She liked that he kept his arm around her to keep her warm, and that he was looking more dazed as they drank more beer. She was happiest when he planted an unexpected kiss on her cheek.

She thought, in all their years of knowing each other, she had never seen him that way. Thank God, she got him back.

They stared at each other for a long time standing by their gate.
He was smiling and she was too. They talked some more, about things she doesn’t really remember until at last, it was too late to keep standing there, and keep getting soaked in the rain.

She had to let him go.

As if taking the hint, he came forward and stood very close to her. She lifted her head to meet his gaze at about the same time he leaned down to kiss her.

It was amazing. She doesn’t remember how long they kissed, but she remembered feeling light headed after. She didn’t mean but had to rest her head against his chest, and she was even more amazed at how fast his heart was beating.

Your heart’s beating so fast… she whispered.
I know… he replied, and he held her even closer to his chest.

They stood there like that for a long time, not exactly knowing what the other was thinking.

All she knew was that even though she was sure her heart is beating just as fast, she never felt so at peace in her whole life.

How they never found this in all their years of knowing each other, it didn’t matter anymore.

The rain had melted all the years, the way he had melted her heart.

...

She untangled from the arm that was holding her. She sat up and stared at her surroundings. It was still a little dark. She can only see the silhoutte of the person breathing softly beside her. She thought there was a smile curved at his sleeping face. She smiled back.

After getting back on her feet, she walked towards the door that led to the terrace. When she got there, she welcomed the cold air that swept her. It was the freshest air she breathed in almost all her life. Without any attempts to protect herself from the cold, she settled on the balcony, staring at the green that stretched to as far as she can see, and the clouds that are almost within reach.

One by one, she recalled the events that took place in her life for the past month.

She thought team building started it all. She was so drunk that time, although before she got into the state of alcohol comatose, she remembered having a good time with everyone and then ending up lying on the airbed floating on the pool, talking deep stuff about life with him. Then too, she was already drunk, she remembered how her vision worked like a movie in slow motion. They talked about Stacy and Anthony, and after a few more moments with him, she realized that she was really very drunk, that the man wasn't what she thought he was and that even if she took his last question as a stupid and sexual implication (she tilted her head away at this and smiled), she can't help but start having a crush on him. The rest of the night was a blur. Later on she found out that she excused herself and locked herself in the shower room for an hour, where they had to break the door open to retrieve her. She walked back to the pool after they woke her up, and dived (murmuring that that she knows what she's doing), and he dived after her, worried.

She remembered a bit of that. She was standing in the middle of the pool with him, his arms wrapped around her, her head almost resting on his bare chest. She was very dizzy but managed to look up at his worried and almost equally drunk face. He was asking her something and she nodded, assuming he was asking her if she's okay. He then led her to the edge of the pool where someone helped her up their room. She woke up the next day in a room full of people, but with him sleeping beside her. His arm was on her waist, enclosing her in a comfortable and spacious embrace. He held her hand on the way home in the van, and she didn't complain. She thought about Anthony but it was a fleeting thought. When they parted that day, she thought that was it.

In fact she played the perfect girlfriend to Anthony after that, and a good supervisor and friend to Ray. They still message each other, without Anthony's knowledge, and she brushed it off as something that didn't matter. Her infatuation, she was sure, would go away when Ray resigns. She hoped it will.

She and Anthony went on their perfect vacation and she convinced herself they're meant for each other.

Until she found that receipt in Anthony's wallet. Apparently, he's been out with someone, drinking coffee that meant the world to her. And he forgave him after a week of break-up, swallowing the story he spun about being with not just her but the rest of his batch.

About around the same time, Ray resigned, leaving a promise of visiting her soon. They kept texting each other and the lapse with Anthony gave her reason to relax her feelings for Ray. Anthony was still unaware of this connection, even after he heard of what happened in their team building. Stacy somehow got hold of the news, and blurted it over to Anthony, who believed she didn't do anything wrong anyway. Also, he may not have taken Ray as a serious threat because he resigned.

Nonetheless, her feelings for Ray, contrary to what she initially believed, grew despite his absence from her immediate surroundings. She was almost sure it was not unrequited. She confirmed it when he asked her to join him and a friend for a few days vacation . He wouldn't budge even after she gave him other options. He was straight about wanting to be with her.

Eventually, she agreed, and found herself looking forward to it. She spun her own tale that she built on Anthony a week before the date. She felt a bit guilty but knew that she's going to regret it if she didn't go. She left with a promise to herself that she'd come back and become the perfect girlfriend to Anthony again.

On the way to their vacation with Ray, she told him about the "receipt" story and how Anthony and her broke up for a week over it. To her surprise, Ray said he did see him there, cause Stacy and him was on a date in the area on the same day. Ray attempted to hold the story at her furious expression but she was able to force the rest from him. Apparently he saw Anthony and Aiza, quite on their own, holding hands, walking around the mall. They tried to greet them but he had the feeling that Anthony tried to steer Aiza away.

She felt really mad despite of where she was. She felt the lie and how stupid she was to believe it despite her doubts. She texted Anthony until he gave in and admitted. She broke up with him right there and then.

At the back of her head, another person had been whispering.. this was just too easy. She knew running away with Ray was wrong and every cell in her brain was telling her she's bound to do more wrong. But now, Anthony had given her a reason, enough to
forget all the guillt. If not, she felt more inclined to do him wrong. And to think, Anthony committed his crime 2 months ago... This was just too easy...

And now here she is, in a balcony that didn't quite belong to any place she's ever seen before.
The memory of the previous night came back to her in a rush, and she felt suddenly warm even though her breathing was drawing visible smoke in front of her. She recalled how she got a bit drunk, and how she laid her head against Ray's back for comfort. She remembered how his lips finally found hers, after the hours that felt forever in her waiting. She threw all caution in the wind that night and allowed Ray to take her to depths deeper than anything she has traveled before. It was just magical.

And now here in the balcony, she stared at the clouds, assessing her feelings. She was looking for her pain that didn't exist anymore. She wanted to shout at the hills, of how free she felt like, but wanted to keep the feeling to herself just the same. The silence was captivating. The cold was liberating. The morning, she thought was just perfect. She never felt so healed.
Then he came, from behind her, lighting a cigarette, which he handed to her. He kissed her on the forehead and sat beside her to gaze at the perfect scene. He smiled, and she noticed how cute he is even if he's just got up. She smoked her cigarette and smiled back.

She knew then that life would never be the same again....

Pain

She closed the door behind her, very slowly. She stared ahead and found an empty apartment… quite clean, but empty.
This somehow came as a relief. She was glad she moved out just in time to save her family from seeing her this way.

She walked towards the bed and lied just as slowly as she had closed the door. She reached for the cell phone in her bag and re-read all the text messages that he had sent. It has been a while. It’s strange how she was able to survive not even showing a sign to anyone at work what she’s been through.

Work, she thought, had always been her best diversion. Many people would think she values her career more than anything. She thought that too herself. But it wasn’t like that. If it was, then she wouldn’t be crying herself to sleep every time she came home, for several days.

Her tears started to come. She doesn’t know why she was punishing herself by re-reading all of his messages. It had been enough to pierce her heart so badly the first time that it seemed physical pain. She wasn’t able to breathe properly. She wasn’t able to fight back, like she always did with all the others. She let him be. She allowed him to trample on whatever hope left of their love. If ever there was.

She settled on thinking it was for the best, that they wouldn’t last anyway. She planned to stand by that decision.

She’s decided that’s the reason why he kept his messages no matter how stricken she is when she reads them. She wanted to remember how to hate him. A difficult feat even after he gave her a very good reason to, and even after her attempts to get a social to forget him.

She tried to get angry. She was that in front of her friends. She convinced her family that he’s a loser. She actually fooled herself for a few days that she actually hated him to the bone.

Yet it wasn’t like that at all.

When she’s all alone, she catches herself remembering his smile, and the good old days when he would be by her side, and she’d feel safe and home. She’d remember how he’d held her face in his palm. She longed for the comfort his strangeness offered him. It was her haven.

Tears streamed down her face. She clutched at her chest, in an act of physically helping herself to breathe. She prayed for sleep to come to save her and knew she wouldn’t mind if death claims her instead.

She wished it will.

The Escape...

---- for Adnileba, she who might have known that i love her, but doesn't know just how much... Happy birthday... ---

Today is the day. She will run.

It has been almost 2 months when she had asked for an early out from work, for her sick husband, who tried to make her stay in for that day. She had explained she needed to go to work because there were some very important things she had to do.

Remembering his face, she rushed through the essentials of the day and quite earnestly asked her boss if she could go home. She was allowed.

The house was not very far. When she reached their door, she found it quite peculiar that it looked almost empty. She quietly opened the front door, went in and peaked into her daughter's bedroom, where she saw her sleeping soundly. Her suspicions rising, she tiptoed slowly to her own bedroom door and opened it.

There she found her. The she-devil seemed to be enjoying "entertaining" her sick husband, by doing what seemed like serious acrobatic movements on top of him.

All at once, she felt flushed, cold, dizzy but amazingly alert. She staggered into the room ready to grab hold of her maid's/cousin's hair and drag her naked butt out the back door, but her husband who was alerted to her presence was faster in stopping her while her target fled.

She felt her heart break into pieces and watched numbly in her head how every other dream she had of that place vanish. She clawed and punched at her husband's chest, screaming obscenities she often associated with criminals.

That was the last straw.

She has endured so much out of her marriage after all.

2 years ago, she had attempted to kill herself by pouring gas all over her body and locking herself inside her car. She had intended to light herself up, but the lighter she took didn't work, being soaked with gas as well. Her husband, who was so shocked by what she did, stopped battering her from then on - the reason why she was driven to kill herself in the first place. A mixture of terrible fear from what was coming to her, being used to his painful fist and cruel sexual advances, and extreme hate, had turned her almost insane.

But that she forgave. This one, she can't. That’s when she decided. She will run.

No one knew about the plan except a couple of people in her country’s embassy. Being in an island where her husband’s family is very powerful, she knew that one leak and it would be impossible to attempt to do ever again. For 2 months she played the role of a forgiving wife, even if she hated his guts.

Today, she walked towards freedom in shorts and a regular t-shirt, holding a supermarket plastic bag with nothing but money and documents in it. Her daughter was wearing her usual house clothes.

They checked in just a few minutes before boarding started, an essential part of the plan because she knew that if they came in a lot earlier than that, the airport officials would have tipped his husband and he’d be able to stop them.

Her daughter, who was about 5 at the time and oblivious to what was going on, even asked for candy before they boarded. It was only when the plane took off that she felt finally safe. Her heartbeat went back to normal. She lied on her back, closed her eyes and felt elated for their successful escape. She promised she will never return…

….

She opened her eyes. The room was dark. She realized she was having the nightmare of a past life. That’s over now. She shifted to check on him, who was still sleeping and snoring a little loudly. She stared for a good ten minutes at the man who gave her a second chance at life and 4 more kids. She felt overwhelmed and cried silently, touching his face so lightly to avoid waking him up. The horror of her old life seemed to be light-years away as she laid her head on his chest and he subconsciously wrapped his arm around her. She floated just as easily back to sleep.

August 9, 2007